Friday, June 12, 2015

Do I Deserve Anything?


As I sit and wonder about my life and the things I've accomplished and haven't.  I wonder do I deserve anything better than the things I have achieved?  Wanting so much more for myself and the baby, but life is hard and the pickles I have gotten myself into make me wonder.  


It seems I try all for nothing!

There's a Land Rover that is not functioning anymore that needs to be sold
A house that needs to be rented
A house that I live in that needs to be fixed, the mortgage is too much and I'm ready to move
A dissertation that needs to be written, but I can't afford it because I have exhausted my financial aid
Mini Cooper that is almost paid for, but has several issues

This is the story of my life.  It seems so hard, but it really doesn't have to be.  Issues on top of issues keep coming out of no where and the main objective is to stay afloat.  There are things that need to be done, but there's something in me that says self sabotage is the best option.

Cancel insurance on Land Rover, waste of money
Rent out house
Clean my house
Get grass cut
Get caught up on student loans
Put back money that I have taken out

Looking at my house, it's depressing, it needs to be organized and cleaned, but it's mine.  The neighborhood is crazy and I want so much better for him, he deserves it and I do too, don't I?

It is hard to save money and there is so much that I have wasted and blown over the years.  Now, it's do or die.

Save $7,000 a year
Save enough money to move next year
Get credit score higher so I can move
Believe I deserve everything that I want and desire

In a couple of months I will be 40 years of age and it is a blessing to have seen 39 wonderful, but challenging years.  It only gets better, right?  That's what I'm hoping.  I've made it through some trying times, and I do believe I'm here for a reason.  What I need to understand is I'm worth everything that I want.  Plus, this baby deserves more.

If not today, Monday, I will go in and cancel my insurance for the Land Rover.  Also, before the end of the month the house will be rented.  Plus, my house will be kinda clean.  You read that, kinda clean.  I will also call to get my grass cut.  As a matter of fact, I'll make that call now when I finish writing this.

In all honesty, I'm at the half way point in my life and at some point I gave up on myself and my life.  I don't know if it was the break up, break ins, thyroid cancer, survival, situation, or the baby, but life for me changed drastically.  My emotions have been a roller coaster.  Sometimes, I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
Finances are another aspect of my life.  It gets good and then bad.  The worse part of my finances are the student loans.  There has to be something else and this has to get better.  These student loans will not get the best of me.  It does make me sad.

This is my life and it will get better.  I do believe in myself.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Reviewing Things

As I think about my life I am truly blessed.  I am still here.  Once upon a time I had this spirit that would do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, that girl left.  Where she went, I don't know.  The thing that is crazy are the decisions that I made really weren't the best.  True, what goes up most come down, that I completely understand.

Bad decisions
Liam should have been sold a long time ago, now I don't know if I'll be able to get rid of him.
Marybelle, it rains in her, I can't use the key to unlock the door, and now my seats will not move.
My house, in a neighborhood that's all I say, cost to much, interest rate high

On the other hand, I was able to do all of these things.  Now that 40 is coming fast, I feel that there are several things I should have done, but didn't do.  It's not the best feeling.  One thing I can say is I have learned from my mistakes and all I can do is try to make them better.

It's the summer time and there are things I want to do.
Laingley's 1st birthday party
take a trip in July
get house together
take a mommy and me swim class
take him to the beach

All of this takes money, did I mention that I dropped my phone again.  It never fails, there is always something.  On a brighter note, I do feel better about myself.  I've decided to do the things that I have failed to do.  For instance, take a drawing class.  I also want to take sign language.

I'm taking one day at a time, that's all I can do.  Tomorrow isn't promised I know, but I have to make the most of it.  I've gotten over myself and I must stay that way.  

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Spending Spending Spending

Do I set up a payment plan with Navient or do I just let the loan do what it's going to do?  That is the question of the day.  I have the money in my other account, but it is already below what I started with.  I've paid my mom and a few other things.  To be honest, I'm glad of the things that I've accomplished, but there are goals set.

Navient (student loans)
To be honest, I really don't understand why student loans have to be such a bother.  Yes, I needed the loans to help pay for school.  Yes, they did what they needed to do.  Yes, I understand that they have to be paid back.  What I don't understand is the harassment that one has to endure when owing them.  It is awful and I'm sad that I was in a position to need loans in order to afford school.  Also, the interest rates are ridiculous.  No matter what, they have to be paid off.  I will make a call to set up a payment plan.  It's not in the cards, but it has to be done, no matter what.

Due to the student loan issues, my credit score has been dropping, slowly, but surely.  Trouble don't last always.

Things to do today
Get Liam $545.00, found out that he needs a new motor, that's not in my budget.  Either pay $4,000 for motor replacement or $1,887.55 for issues and that's not guaranteed that the problem will be fixed.  So, it's time to let it go.  I have to pay for the repairs and it's still not going to work.  Very very sad I know, the story of my life it seems.  On another note, once Liam is sold, I'll put that money toward paying off Marybelle.  I'm asking $3000, but under the circumstances, I'll take $2,000.  Putting $1,000 toward Marybelle will make me owe less of course.  I'll have it paid off sooner.  Once she's paid off she'll get sold too.  I'm ready to let things go and move forward.

I have been spending unnecessarily, but I have been getting things for the baby.  When the winter comes, he will not need anything.  I'm glad of that.  I found Thredup.com, a second hand store that offers clothes for babies and adults.  That's going to be my go to, plus JCPenney's for my babies clothes.  I have to have enough for all times.  You never know what will happen.

For the next few weeks I have to have enough.  June is coming fast.  Make sure my bills are paid.  Have enough money for gas and be able to put back what I've taken.  It seems, I never have enough.  Robbing Peter to pay Paul isn't a good look in this time and age of my life.

Things I Am Going to Do
Pay off Marybelle
Get floor fixed in house
Get student loans under control
Increase credit score
Move
Put back what I've taken away
Continue to put money away for him

June
mortgage
car note
student loans
cruise money (200)
babies party
credit card (First Premier and JCPenney's)
take baby to the beach

I see me, I see my life, I see my struggles, I see my successes, I see my pains, I see who I am, I see what I'm capable of, I see me.  The issues are real and able to be handled, I'll make it through.  Yes, I can.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Life

Life is what you make it and I think I'm going to make it better.  I posted Liam on Craigslist because there are several things wrong with him.  It's so sad, but I am in a state of letting go.  Letting go of my past and making better decisions.  It has to get better.  First, I have to pay $540 to get him out of the shop and there are other issues.  He may need another engine.  I feel so sorry for him, but life does go on.

Called yesterday to inquire about consolidation.  That was a very good call.  I went to studentloans.gov and signed up to consolidate my student loans.  What's very interesting about my case is that I have loans prior to 1995.  With that being said, I should be able to get a loan reduction for working on Title I schools.  Since this is my case, no loan reduction for me until those loans are paid in full.  I had those loans isolated so I can pay those off individually.  Looking forward to getting that done.

This month has been full of money coming out, but I'm glad to say I have actually gotten many things done.  I've been in a rut and it's time to get out of it.  Doing what is right by myself and my baby is all that is important.  When someone is constantly asking for me to help them, that is taking away from me and my baby.  More or less robbing us blind.

I want so much more for him.  A better house, in a better neighborhood.  I deserve that and so does he.  Even if I have to move away from my mom.  I just feel safer being closer to her.  I'm grown and have to let go of those strings.

One day at a time is all it takes.  Just one, one day at a time!  Continue to do what's right.  Make better choices and put money where it will work best.  Let go of my past mistakes and never look back.  That's how accidents happen, looking back.

Fifteen years, there are so many things that can happen during that time.  You blink and that time has passed.

Things that need to happen
Continue paying off student loans so they don't go into default
Refinance house so it'll be paid off in 15 years
Move to a better neighborhood
Continue to cut back
Get Oneal Street rented out
Trees cut in backyard
Floors fixed/replaced
Paint side room
Continue to thin house out

I'm old enough now to realize my errors and how to make them better.  I've cut back enough that I can really see the difference in my income.  My baby is going to grow and get bigger and more money is going to come out.  That's one reason why I must make better choices.  I had a large amount of money and due to paying things off that has been dwindling down.  I still have a little extra, but not what I once had.  Here's the opportunity to make up what was once there.  In due time, it's alright and I know it is.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Making Subtle Changes

Coming to terms with my reality has been a learning lesson and a bunch of other things.  I have been thinking seriously about letting go of both vehicles.  That means selling them both.  The Land Rover (Liam) needs some work and so does the Mini Cooper (Marybelle).  Something has to give.  We need something that we can fit in comfortably, low gas mileage, and can serve the purpose of us.  What kind of car would that be?  I don't know, but I know I want to pay cash for whatever that may be.  At the same time the house needs to be repaired.  I did get a few things done a couple of weeks ago.  There are still several things that need attention.  The only thing I can do is take one thing at a time.

See what's wrong with the flooring
Get another tree limbs cut (from in neighbors yard)

The major thing is reduction, getting rid of things that aren't needed anymore.  My how the pendulum has shifted.

As for the flooring, he's going to have to go under the house to see what the problem is and we go from there.  I have to have enough to survive.

Going to have Liam towed today to see what's wrong with him.  The towing is free and the consultation is too.  That's good, now to see how much it's going to cost to get him fixed.  Once he's fixed, I will not drive Marybelle for a while until I have enough to get the seats repaired.  I only owe $3283 on Marybelle.  I'm so ready to be done with that monthly bill.  See what a mid-life crisis will do for you.  Bad choices.

During my break:
Get Liam towed
Call student loan companies to see about consolidation and cutting late months
Call First Premier to get another card
Call Greentree to find out about getting rid of 6 missed payments on account

Student loans
I have them, misused them and took them for granted.  I'm here now.  Do I need to finish my PhD program?  Yes.  Do I have the money?  No.  When I finish, my pay will increase by about $12,000 a year.  That's about $1000 a month.  That would be great.  Right now, I don't see how this can be done.

Where there's a will, there's a way.  I will continue to pay what I can on these debts and move forward.  Going to call today to see what I can do to get these things under control.  This is the reason why my credit scores are having a hard time.  Live and learn.

I'll admit, I have been down on myself lately and don't know where to turn to make things better.  What I do know is I don't need to create any more debt.  Get out of the debt I have.  Move forward and make things better for the long run. I'll be just fine, we'll be just fine.  I believe in myself and this journey that I am on.  The first steps are knowing and second is doing something about it.  Focus on the problem and make it work.

I got this.  Sometimes it seems I don't, but it will all work itself out.  Trust!

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